Singleness of Heart

Jeremiah 32:37-41

I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger and great wrath; I will bring them back to this place and let them live in safety. They will be my people and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and of action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them; I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul. 

I have a confession.

I have cheated.

I'm not talking about in school, although I'm sure every person who has lived through high school can attest to having shared answers at some point. I'm talking about in my walk with God, the most important relationship in which to stay faithful. While proclaiming God as the Lover of my soul, I've entertained the affections of the most unworthy of suitors.

I have loved pride.

I have loved worldly approval.

I have loved my selfishness.

I have loved having control.

And I have been completely consumed with doubt.

These suitors, while innately dark and gnarled with sin, whispered beautiful things to my soul. They told me I could do it all on my own, that I was strong and self sufficient enough to barrel through life as a completely independent person. They told me that measuring up to the standards of this world was a reputable thing that I should pursue for the sake of an ideal identity. They told me that I knew best and that I needed to look out for myself. They told me that I could have power over my circumstance if I pushed myself hard enough. And they told me that the solid truth in which I had rooted my life was a shaky foundation and that trusting in anyone but myself was a risky gambit. All these voices harmonized in my mind to fabricate a glorious image of myself, one that I naturally craved to attain.

These deep desires turned into insatiable needs that competed with the One true need I had professed to wholeheartedly pursue: Jesus. When I accepted Jesus, He called me out upon stormy waters, and asked only that I keep my eyes on Him and simply believe. With eager anticipation, I stepped out in faith and began my pursuit. But then I saw the clouds. And the waves. And the rain. And the lightning. And those voices began to speak sweet lies to my soul. The second I took my eyes off of Jesus, the second I doubted and believed in voices other than His, I sank.

As I deservedly drowned in the stormy seas to which I had become helplessly enslaved, He did something incredible: He reached down and pulled me out and set me back on solid ground.

That is grace. Purely and simply grace.

When I deserve to drown in the fury of the storms, He never fails to bring me back to the safe refuge of His embrace. When I deserve complete and total separation from Him, He unites me with Him in a grip of grace where He eternally abides in me and I in Him. He has declared me His daughter and He my God. And though my wayward heart is tempted to succumb to look to the world, He instills in me a singleness of heart solely set on pursuing Him. And because everything we do flows out of what we believe, He provides me with a singleness in my actions as I walk the straight and level paths He has set before me. He challenges me to rise up as one in a generation of many to leave a legacy of undivided faith to those generations to follow. His promise stands true to never stop weaving our story together for our good and ultimately the good of His kingdom. He passionately rejoices over us as we pursue Him and taste His goodness. And with the entirety of His divine heart and soul, He pours into us and plants us in the peace of His presence.

He is good. He is all I need. And I have returned to Him to forevermore proclaim Him the only true lover of my soul.

Madelynn

Scars and Stories

I'm passionate about many things, but about writing especially. Most nights I stay up until early hours of the morning journaling and blogging and reading the writings of older, wiser minds. I drink in words like a caffeine addict drinks coffee- deeply and dependently. I lie awake at night dreaming of marvelous stories that have yet to be breathed into life on the empty canvases of my journal pages. Stories have always had a way of evoking a deeper part of me I keep buried too often, a part of me that cries out to be cultivated with pen and paper. So when God speaks to my heart that He's already written out my story, my heart stops for a moment.

Being so strongly attached to stories, I have a deep desire to write out my own. In my mind, there's no better dreams than the dreams I've already conjured, and there's no better story that the one I've already written out in my heart. So often I get to a place where I become so consumed with bringing my life-story to fruition and trying to edify my perfect version of my future that I forget to pause and focus on this present moment I'm in. I forget to receive this present moment as a gift from God, and take Him at His word when He whispers to my heart that this life is not my own, that I wasn't designed to direct my own steps (Jeremiah 10:23). That always has been and always will be His job. He's hemmed me in- behind and before, and His sovereign hand guides me and protects me. All the days ordained for me were written out in His book before one of them came to be (Psalms 139: 16).

He's already fearfully and wonderfully woven together a story far better than the one I cling to so tightly, the one I fight so hard to preserve. And He gently looks on me in my broken condition and whispers, "Let go. I've got this. You weren't made for this, Daughter. I've already written it all out. I'm here fighting this battle for you."

So I let go. I listen to his voice. And I learn what it is to receive this present moment as a gift and cherish that I have a God who loves me enough to have already written out my future for me and provides for me in this moment. I rejoice that my identity is set in Him and I don't have to be a product of my exhausted, inadequate efforts. I am His. And He is enough.

Just when I think that I've been humbled enough, that I've been laid as low as it gets, He takes me a little deeper. He shows me that He hasn't written out my story in the way I perceive writing. He hasn't penned down the details of my life with an ink pen on paper that can be ruined in a downpour or charred in a flame. The life and identity He's laid out for me is not wavering. It's been set in stone. For He's engraved my name and my identity on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16), and He is the eternally unshakeable rock (Isaiah 26:4), the cornerstone upon which all life is founded (Isaiah 28:16 & Ephesians 2:20). And my name is written on the same palms that were pierced with nails and scarred by the sacrifice paid for my sins.  In those palms, in those scars my identity is found. For from those scars blood poured in place of my own so that the price I couldn't pay for my sins would be paid in full. In those scars, I've received life and healing. In those scars, I find proof that I am beloved. And that is my identity. That is my story boiled down to one word. Purely and simply beloved. And it is a far better story than I could have ever written.

My Name Is...

 Isaiah 62:2-5 & 11-12

…you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
 or name your land Desolate.

…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.

The Lord has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
“Say to Daughter Zion,
‘See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.’”
They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the Lord;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.

 For too much of my life, I was rendered voiceless under the pressing weight of the identities given to me by others and the titles with which I identified myself. I was caught in the chaos of a lifelong identity crisis, torn by all the things I was told I should be, the things I wanted to be and the things I wasn’t. I was empty and longing for a fullness of purpose I thought an identity could provide.

I wanted my name to be Good. Smart. Composed. Talented.

I wanted my name to be Beautiful. Beloved. Treasured. Valued.

And most of all I wanted my name to be Enough. I wanted to meet the standards set for me by myself and by others. I wanted to feel like my works were sufficient and pleasing to those who mattered to me.

Instead of Enough, my name became Empty and Insufficient.

Instead of Beautiful, my name became Rejected and Unwanted.

And instead of Composed, my name became The Mess.

I felt helpless under the weight of all the identities I carried around daily. I would constantly look for new ways to discover myself and create myself, to become the perfect version of me I’d always dreamed I would be. My pursuit for freedom in perfection became the thing that enslaved me. I was caught in a vicious cycle of seeking fulfillment and stability in an empty and unstable world.

As my heart began breaking under the pressure of my pursuits, God looked down on me, and His heart broke with mine. When I cried out in the midst of my desperation, He reached down through the darkness and restored my life. He erased every shame bearing name chained to my heart and breathed His life into me. And with this new life, He also gave me a new name.

No longer am I called Deserted or Desolate.

My name is Daughter of the King.

My named is Redeemed of the Lord.

And my name is Sought After by God.

I am precious in His sight. In His eyes, I am a crown of splendor in His hand. He treasures my heart and He desires all of me. He loves me with a divine and reckless love; as a bridegroom delights over his bride, so the Lord rejoices over me. The same mouth that breathed the stars into being also sings songs of praise over me. The same hands that laid the foundations of creation and wove time itself into being are the same hands that hold my heart. And His Holy Spirit whispers to my heart daily that I am beloved by my Creator, and that is solely where my identity lies.

Each of us is named His Beloved, no matter the names we’ve held in the past. And He longs for us to rest in the infinite peace of His presence in which our true identity is found. He hears our every desperate cry and His heart breaks along with ours. And He desires to restore our breaking hearts to new life and write on them a new name: Redeemed.

My Undoing

I have an innate desire to have control. While it's something I give to God everyday, I will always be in a battle with my flesh to put to death that natural desire that tempts me. And because of this desire, I strive to obtain the image of myself I want to see, to keep my composure controlled and comfortable. I like being what others consider put-together, and I push myself to meet unrealistic standards. I go into this vicious cycle believing the lie that I will come out empowered, and instead come out of it tired and empty with all of my human efforts exhausted.

In the midst of attempting to weed through in my mind what are lies and what is truth, I remember the one truth that brings me to my knees every time.

Christ did not come and die for my salvation so that my Earthly composure and image would be maintained. He came to wreck my earthly self to the core.

Christ came to be my undoing. For when my earthly life is unraveled, the life I try so hard to weave together on my own, space is created for the Holy Spirit to come and weave together a story far greater than I could ever create.

I was not created to be put together by my standards. No, rather I was created for a holy destruction that could only lead to the edification of the image of Christ in me. When I die to myself, Christ is resurrected in me. I was not born again as a daughter of Christ to refine myself and become a better version of me; I was created anew to be a mirror of Christ, to reflect Him in everything I do so that more people draw near to Him and not to me.

He meant it when He said He is the "Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End" (Revelation 22:13). He is the eternal God who always has, and always will be. He is the Sovereign God who chooses to come and live in us. He is our undoing, but in our undoing His Holy Spirit weaves us together into something incredible: the reflection of His son.

We will never be perfect; our human condition hinders us from being perfect mirrors. That is what grace is for. But once we realize our purpose as a mirror, that our lives can only be woven together when they come undone, it reshapes everything. We become more intentional to not only be Jesus to people, but to see Jesus in those we encounter everyday. For Jesus said, "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matthew 26:40).

Every person is the least of these. Every person is hungry for something greater than themselves, for a need they cannot provide. And once we take on life in Christ, we are called to intentionally meet the least of these where they are as Jesus did, and treat them as if they were Jesus, as if we were pouring into and loving on the Son of God Himself.

Let Christ be your undoing and your becoming, where you end and where you begin. Being overwhelmed in the aftermath of Grace is a beautiful place to be. And it's where our identity lies.

The Author

Hebrews 12:2

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

So often I hear people say, "Just give God control of your life," and I hadn't really thought about what exactly that meant until recently. I'd say it in my prayers all the time, that I was giving God control. And then I thought about it- it's really impossible for us to give God control because we can't give to God what we never had in the first place. We have never been in control of our lives. It is not us that ordain the universe or write out the scripts for our futures. We don't breathe life into existence with a single sigh or number every star and know them by name. That is and always has been God. So why do we so often say that we are giving Him control?

Each of us has an innate desire to have control over our lives; we've had it since the day we were born. When we give our hearts to Christ, it becomes a daily struggle to surrender the war to have control over our lives and realize that He is truly in control. The greatest peace we could ever experience comes when we surrender the war for control and find victory in Christ, who is the author and perfecter of our faith and our lives. The desire for control can be something we can become so easily enslaved to, and when we fight for control over what we desire we end up caught in a vicious cycle of sin because our desires are never pure and perfect like God's.

The good news for those like me that have been enslaved in the battle over control- Christ came to set us free.

He took on the cross and bore the shame we were supposed to bear to pay for the sinful cycles we succumb to and conquered death so that we would be free from sin and free from all that enslaves us. And He took it all on with joy, knowing that His sacrifice would bring freedom to you, His beloved. He sits at the right hand of the throne of God today as the divine author and perfecter that He has always been.

We don't have to be enslaved any longer. Freedom comes in surrendering the war for control to the one who has had control all along. Freedom comes when we stop trying to steal the pen from the author who is writing a far better life story than our minds could ever conjure.

Be brave. Surrender. And live in His sweet freedom today.

The Fixer

Psalms 145:13-14

The Lord is faithful to all his promises, and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all those who are bowed down.

I am a very, very self critical person. Probably one of the most self critical people you will ever meet honestly. I have a horrible habit of beating myself up whenever I mess up, even in small ways. I constantly think of ways I can fix what I did or how I can improve my actions in the future so the mistake I made won't happen again. I am innately a fixer at heart. While my desire to fix broken things in me and around me can be a good motivator to do better sometimes, it ultimately exhausts me at the end of most days and leaves me more stressed than satisfied.

I had one of these self-critical moments when I was running the other day (which is a rarity with my schedule and energy level). I hadn't run in months, so I had to stop and take a break in the middle of a two mile run. As I sat on a bench to catch my breath, I beat myself up over how I'm so weak, how I used to be so much faster, how two miles shouldn't kill me like this, how I should keep going instead of stopping.

And then God gently whispered to my heart in that moment in only the way He does. Not in an audible voice, but rather a stirring in my heart that breathed wisdom into my soul.

"Daughter- when you were a child and you were learning to walk, did your Father scold you and punish you when you fell and scraped your knee? No- rather he lovingly picked you up and helped you start walking again. It's the same way with me- you're still learning to walk through life, and you always will be learning. I will lift you every time you fall. Have grace for yourself the way I have grace for you."

And then a peace came over me. It's so hard for me to have grace for myself when I fall. I want blame myself so I can fix it. I muddle through the guilt that builds up everyday until it becomes to much. But in the stillness of the moments when my heart rests in His presence, I am reminded that I am not a fixer, nor was I designed to be. That job belongs to God alone, and I'm learning to lay at His feet every little thing I can't fix. And I'm reminded that guilt is not from God, that shame comes from the enemy. In God there is no guilt, only grace, only love.

Have grace for yourself today, and let God be the fixer. Let the truth of His fatherly grace settle in your soul and bring you peace.

Madelynn

Dance

Psalms 149:3-4

Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to Him with the tambourine and harp. For the Lord takes delight in His people; He crowns the humble with salvation.

Today I stepped outside and let the rain soak my skin for a few minutes. I don't know why, but this is something that always soothes my soul. It makes me smile just to think of fat raindrops exploding on my skin as the trees around me dance and bend to the sound of thunder. I danced along with the rain and the trees for a moment, like the childish five-year old at heart that I am.

As I danced in the rain, I thought about how I used to long to dance with a boy in the rain, a boy who would sweep me off my feet and make me whole. I would dream about this boy as a young girl, and my expectations kept getting bigger as I grew older and waited for a prince charming who would take my hand and dance with me through storms and walk with me through life.

As I danced and thought about these things, God gently whispered through the storm, "Dance with me, daughter."

I smiled at the sky through the rain and thought how good it is to have a God who not only waters the ground beneath my feet but the soul beneath my skin as well. I marveled at how incredible and humbling it is that the mighty God of the universe who breathed the stars into their place chooses to communicate with us in simple whispers through the rain. And I thought about how divine His love is above any other, how no earthly relationship could ever compare to the deep love that is experienced in drawing close and dancing with the Father.

God desires to dance with you, His beloved child. As you humbly step away from your busy life that divides your attention and draw near to Him in an intimate relationship, He graces your heart with a crown of salvation. His love is far greater than any love any person on earth could offer us.

Dance with your Father today. Rejoice in this divine love you have with Him as He delights in you, His beloved.

Madelynn.