When I Grow Up...

I've come to the age where I'm starting to make what the little kids I babysit would call "grown-up choices." I'm enrolling in college. I have a job. I'm having to manage my time and money more on my own. And in about 16 days I'll embark on the "golden" age of 18, the age envied by every child in a hurry to grow up, the grand age of independence. It's all a little scary because the question we were all asked as children of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a question I'll soon have to answer. And in all honesty, I have no idea.

Yesterday as I was babysitting, a paleontologist came on the TV screen to talk about dinosaurs and digs and all the things paleontologists do that kids find fascinating. I looked over at little four year-old Audrey, who was intently watching the screen, and asked her if that was what she wanted to be when she grew up. She responded no.

"Well," I asked her, "What do you want to be then?"

"I want to be Audrey." She responded with confidence.

I was expecting anything but that answer. A ballerina, an artist, a doctor. Anything. But instead she responded with the best possible answer: herself.

I feel like so often I get caught up in who I want to be that I forget who I really am. I forget that God fearfully and wonderfully crafted me out of the dust into His beloved creation. I forget that He is using me right where I am, and that he'll lead me where I'm meant to be. And I forget that I don't have to focus on creating my "perfect" version of me, but rather be rooted in my God created identity.

In those moments where I find myself despairing over my future, I hear God saying that He already has it written out. He calls me not to worry but rather to receive Him in this moment and trust that he has plans to give me a hope and a future. Daily He unwraps a little more of who He has created me to be and shows me just how much He truly treasures who I am. He has crafted each of us as jewels in His hands, and I feel like His heart breaks as He watches me be critical of His creation, of me. There is so much peace that comes in resting in our God given identity in this moment and trusting that daily He is shaping us according to our individual kingdom callings.

The crazy thing about trusting God with our identities is that as we trust Him more, we find that we look less like ourselves and more like Jesus. When we accept Christ into our hearts and die to ourselves, we find ourselves being molded more and more into the image of Christ. While we will never be perfect, we become more Christ-like and find that is where our true identities lie, in Christ. As I journey deeper and deeper in the search for myself, somewhere along the way I lose myself and find Christ. And in losing myself, I find who I was meant to be: a daughter of the Lord and a reflection of Christ.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not a psychologist. Not a missionary. Not an author or any of the other dreams I've conjured for my future.

I want to be me. Purely and simply me. The me that God has created me to be, the me that looks less like myself and more like Jesus. And I think that's that best thing anyone could want to be.