Closer

Last week I visited the Lanier Theological Library in Houston for the first time. And let me tell you, I was in book nerd/bible nerd heaven. The smell of old books to me is intoxicating (go ahead, call me weird), and there were hundreds of them. And I just about died when I saw the C.S. Lewis collection. It was a struggle for me not to scream in my typical over-excited teenager squeal when I saw all of his handwritten letters on display in a library where you are supposed to keep everything to a whisper. Honestly, I was the epitome of giddy.

As my friend Lauren and I perused the library, utterly in awe of its magnificence, we stumbled upon some artifacts on display.  The artifacts dated back hundreds of years, some even back to the time when Jesus walked the earth.

"I know it's a stretch," I said to Lauren, "but what if Jesus actually touched one of these pitchers, one of these bowls? How cool would that be?"

"It's almost makes you feel closer in a way," she responded. "It's something tangible from his time, something we can actually grasp and feel. It's hard to describe, but it just makes you feel closer."

And it made me think about how we all crave that feeling of "closer". If we could just see God in the flesh, touch His hand and audibly hear His voice, then we would feel closer. Then we would really know He's there. We crave the security that tangibility offers us, and sometimes it's really hard for us to wrap our minds around a God we can't see or feel.

We get so caught up in searching, so caught up in trying to do more and be more so we can get to God, we forget to be still and see that He is right in front of us and all around us. He meets us where we are- there's no searching, journeying or working to find His presence and attain salvation. He is right here. And He wants you to receive Him and allow His Holy Spirit to bridge the gap between you and Him. He wants to close that space, to abide in you and you in Him. He wants to provide for you that need to be "closer" until the need is filled by the life of Jesus poured into every crevice of your soul, every fiber of your being.

I invite you today to lay down all your efforts to work for your salvation, all your efforts to journey to God. God hasn't called us to trek towards Him and work to find Him. He stands right in front of us with open hands calling us to open our hearts, to allow Him to meet us where we are and drench our souls in His grace. This is the "closer" we crave. And he has come to fill it.

When I Grow Up...

I've come to the age where I'm starting to make what the little kids I babysit would call "grown-up choices." I'm enrolling in college. I have a job. I'm having to manage my time and money more on my own. And in about 16 days I'll embark on the "golden" age of 18, the age envied by every child in a hurry to grow up, the grand age of independence. It's all a little scary because the question we were all asked as children of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a question I'll soon have to answer. And in all honesty, I have no idea.

Yesterday as I was babysitting, a paleontologist came on the TV screen to talk about dinosaurs and digs and all the things paleontologists do that kids find fascinating. I looked over at little four year-old Audrey, who was intently watching the screen, and asked her if that was what she wanted to be when she grew up. She responded no.

"Well," I asked her, "What do you want to be then?"

"I want to be Audrey." She responded with confidence.

I was expecting anything but that answer. A ballerina, an artist, a doctor. Anything. But instead she responded with the best possible answer: herself.

I feel like so often I get caught up in who I want to be that I forget who I really am. I forget that God fearfully and wonderfully crafted me out of the dust into His beloved creation. I forget that He is using me right where I am, and that he'll lead me where I'm meant to be. And I forget that I don't have to focus on creating my "perfect" version of me, but rather be rooted in my God created identity.

In those moments where I find myself despairing over my future, I hear God saying that He already has it written out. He calls me not to worry but rather to receive Him in this moment and trust that he has plans to give me a hope and a future. Daily He unwraps a little more of who He has created me to be and shows me just how much He truly treasures who I am. He has crafted each of us as jewels in His hands, and I feel like His heart breaks as He watches me be critical of His creation, of me. There is so much peace that comes in resting in our God given identity in this moment and trusting that daily He is shaping us according to our individual kingdom callings.

The crazy thing about trusting God with our identities is that as we trust Him more, we find that we look less like ourselves and more like Jesus. When we accept Christ into our hearts and die to ourselves, we find ourselves being molded more and more into the image of Christ. While we will never be perfect, we become more Christ-like and find that is where our true identities lie, in Christ. As I journey deeper and deeper in the search for myself, somewhere along the way I lose myself and find Christ. And in losing myself, I find who I was meant to be: a daughter of the Lord and a reflection of Christ.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? Not a psychologist. Not a missionary. Not an author or any of the other dreams I've conjured for my future.

I want to be me. Purely and simply me. The me that God has created me to be, the me that looks less like myself and more like Jesus. And I think that's that best thing anyone could want to be.

My Declaration

At the beginning of the school year, I was assigned to write a personal declaration of independence from something in my own life that I had grievances against. I felt it pressed on my heart to declare my independence from sin and my dependence on Christ. Reading over it again, I was reminded to press harder into Christ and be completely dependent on Him daily. And I'm hoping these words might serve as a catalyst for others to make their own declaration as well.

{My Declaration}

Having been caught in the snares of the supernatural strikes against my soul, I am left no choice but to make a desperate declaration of independence from the sin that suffocates me. Since birth I have been in bondage to a darkness not of this world that has invaded the ill-guarded territory of my heart. I refuse to be a slave any longer to this insatiable master of sin. I not only declare, but demand my independence.

I proclaim that my life will be a declaration of the promises straight from the mouth of the one who embodies Truth. His life giving words will be etched into my heart so that the unwavering truth of my freedom will be self-evident to every fiber of my being. No longer will I be pressed under the heavy thumb of an all-consuming darkness; rather I will be wrapped in the life-giving light that is my Savior and Creator. My identity will never again be broken, forgotten, insufficient, and unloved. The identity to which I've been entitled under the authority of grace is redeemed, beloved, restored and set apart. 

Daily sin has beleaguered me in a relentless pursuit. Until this day of my declaration, sin has severed the relationship with Christ I was destined to obtain. Sin unswervingly served as the opaque veil that stood between my savior and me over the course of my life. The remedy prescribed since the beginning of time has been the sacrifice of perfect blood to atone for the wrongs to which I've been enslaved . But my blood runs thick with impurities that invalidate the sufficiency of any sacrifice I could offer. God looked at me in my broken and tainted condition and had compassion on my heart which He fearfully and wonderfully formed. Deeply loving me and the rest of the sin enslaved world, He sacrificed the only person whose blood could ever rightfully atone for sin: His son. The formula for the remedy to my seemingly incurable maladies was God in flesh sacrificed on the altar of a rugged cross. He paid the price I deserved to pay for my sins and bled the blood that was I supposed to bleed. And he was resurrected to life so that I might walk in newness of life with Him, free from the snare of sin. His remedy is purely and simply grace. And He offers it to anyone who would receive it. 

The grave could not hold Him and death itself could stop Him. And He has set me free that I might proclaim these grievances against sin so that it would no longer serve as my feeble crutch but rather so my dependency would lie solely in Christ.

Sin sucked the marrow from my bones and made me void of any true life.

Sin bound me tightly in chains that wore calluses on my soul.

Sin made me feel as worthless as the dust from which I was created and to which I will return.

Sin stripped me of my God ordained identity and eroded me to the core.

Sin robbed me of every ounce of self worth until I was no longer a diadem in the hand of the King but rather the remains of useless ashes.

I have pursued every mean of action to rid myself of the effects of these grievances listed. I have performed every good deed, I have worked myself till exhaustion and explored every logical method in the world. I pushed myself into the ground trying to earn my own salvation, and I was never enough. Everything I did only amounted to a pile of ash and a desperate, empty heart. In my moment of desperation, there was only one thing left to do: to receive the grace that is more than enough to sustain me and redeem me from the pit. No longer am I caught in a vicious cycle of aimlessly attempting to save myself. I declare that I am free from sin and that darkness has no power over me. My independence from sin also serves as my declaration of complete dependence on my Savior. I will walk the straight and level path paved for me by Christ, and rejoice unfettered by any malicious maladies.

Melt

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human or a husband's will, but born of God." -John 1:12-13

I am innately an independent, strong-willed, stubborn person. I often push myself to ridiculous limits thinking I can handle all I have weighing on my shoulders on my own. I like handling responsibility and feeling strong and accomplished about all I've done. What I don't like is the feeling of dependency. It's such an uncomfortable place to be for me. Dependency requires me admitting my weakness and need. It requires confessing that I can't do it all on my own, that I can't handle everything weighing on my shoulders, and I need help.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my cycle of stubborn independence, I feel almost like machine. I feel like I'm made of cogs chiseled out of stone, constantly turning and moving, only slowing down from rust and erosion from being over worked. I end every day feeling exhausted and burned out with nothing left to give, only to wake up another day and give my all again. And I am tired of churning and cranking out the products I think will please the world. I want so much more. I need so much more.

What I need is for my heart to melt. I need Jesus to come in with His all consuming fire and melt my heart of stone into a heart of flesh that is beating to the rhythms of His grace. My whole spirit cries out to be melted, to break free from the vicious cycle of independence and find rest in sweet dependence on Christ. I need Christ to come and put to death this relentless machine monotonously cranking within me and resurrect in me His refreshing, sustaining life.

One thing I so admire about the children for whom I care is their unashamed dependency. They never hesitate to recognize their need and ask for it. They ask boldly, unabashedly, and confident that they will be provided what they need because they trust that I can provide for them. When I received Christ, I was adopted into His kingdom as a child of God, and He declared me His daughter. I was designed from day one to be dependent on Christ and lean into His Holy Spirit daily through relationship. And He desires for me to come to Him, abandoning my shame attached to my independent spirit, and boldly trust Him with my every need. When I dare to be dependent and step out of my comfort zone, it is then that I find rest. It is then that I fulfillment.

Singleness of Heart

Jeremiah 32:37-41

I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger and great wrath; I will bring them back to this place and let them live in safety. They will be my people and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and of action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them; I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul. 

I have a confession.

I have cheated.

I'm not talking about in school, although I'm sure every person who has lived through high school can attest to having shared answers at some point. I'm talking about in my walk with God, the most important relationship in which to stay faithful. While proclaiming God as the Lover of my soul, I've entertained the affections of the most unworthy of suitors.

I have loved pride.

I have loved worldly approval.

I have loved my selfishness.

I have loved having control.

And I have been completely consumed with doubt.

These suitors, while innately dark and gnarled with sin, whispered beautiful things to my soul. They told me I could do it all on my own, that I was strong and self sufficient enough to barrel through life as a completely independent person. They told me that measuring up to the standards of this world was a reputable thing that I should pursue for the sake of an ideal identity. They told me that I knew best and that I needed to look out for myself. They told me that I could have power over my circumstance if I pushed myself hard enough. And they told me that the solid truth in which I had rooted my life was a shaky foundation and that trusting in anyone but myself was a risky gambit. All these voices harmonized in my mind to fabricate a glorious image of myself, one that I naturally craved to attain.

These deep desires turned into insatiable needs that competed with the One true need I had professed to wholeheartedly pursue: Jesus. When I accepted Jesus, He called me out upon stormy waters, and asked only that I keep my eyes on Him and simply believe. With eager anticipation, I stepped out in faith and began my pursuit. But then I saw the clouds. And the waves. And the rain. And the lightning. And those voices began to speak sweet lies to my soul. The second I took my eyes off of Jesus, the second I doubted and believed in voices other than His, I sank.

As I deservedly drowned in the stormy seas to which I had become helplessly enslaved, He did something incredible: He reached down and pulled me out and set me back on solid ground.

That is grace. Purely and simply grace.

When I deserve to drown in the fury of the storms, He never fails to bring me back to the safe refuge of His embrace. When I deserve complete and total separation from Him, He unites me with Him in a grip of grace where He eternally abides in me and I in Him. He has declared me His daughter and He my God. And though my wayward heart is tempted to succumb to look to the world, He instills in me a singleness of heart solely set on pursuing Him. And because everything we do flows out of what we believe, He provides me with a singleness in my actions as I walk the straight and level paths He has set before me. He challenges me to rise up as one in a generation of many to leave a legacy of undivided faith to those generations to follow. His promise stands true to never stop weaving our story together for our good and ultimately the good of His kingdom. He passionately rejoices over us as we pursue Him and taste His goodness. And with the entirety of His divine heart and soul, He pours into us and plants us in the peace of His presence.

He is good. He is all I need. And I have returned to Him to forevermore proclaim Him the only true lover of my soul.

Madelynn

Scars and Stories

I'm passionate about many things, but about writing especially. Most nights I stay up until early hours of the morning journaling and blogging and reading the writings of older, wiser minds. I drink in words like a caffeine addict drinks coffee- deeply and dependently. I lie awake at night dreaming of marvelous stories that have yet to be breathed into life on the empty canvases of my journal pages. Stories have always had a way of evoking a deeper part of me I keep buried too often, a part of me that cries out to be cultivated with pen and paper. So when God speaks to my heart that He's already written out my story, my heart stops for a moment.

Being so strongly attached to stories, I have a deep desire to write out my own. In my mind, there's no better dreams than the dreams I've already conjured, and there's no better story that the one I've already written out in my heart. So often I get to a place where I become so consumed with bringing my life-story to fruition and trying to edify my perfect version of my future that I forget to pause and focus on this present moment I'm in. I forget to receive this present moment as a gift from God, and take Him at His word when He whispers to my heart that this life is not my own, that I wasn't designed to direct my own steps (Jeremiah 10:23). That always has been and always will be His job. He's hemmed me in- behind and before, and His sovereign hand guides me and protects me. All the days ordained for me were written out in His book before one of them came to be (Psalms 139: 16).

He's already fearfully and wonderfully woven together a story far better than the one I cling to so tightly, the one I fight so hard to preserve. And He gently looks on me in my broken condition and whispers, "Let go. I've got this. You weren't made for this, Daughter. I've already written it all out. I'm here fighting this battle for you."

So I let go. I listen to his voice. And I learn what it is to receive this present moment as a gift and cherish that I have a God who loves me enough to have already written out my future for me and provides for me in this moment. I rejoice that my identity is set in Him and I don't have to be a product of my exhausted, inadequate efforts. I am His. And He is enough.

Just when I think that I've been humbled enough, that I've been laid as low as it gets, He takes me a little deeper. He shows me that He hasn't written out my story in the way I perceive writing. He hasn't penned down the details of my life with an ink pen on paper that can be ruined in a downpour or charred in a flame. The life and identity He's laid out for me is not wavering. It's been set in stone. For He's engraved my name and my identity on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16), and He is the eternally unshakeable rock (Isaiah 26:4), the cornerstone upon which all life is founded (Isaiah 28:16 & Ephesians 2:20). And my name is written on the same palms that were pierced with nails and scarred by the sacrifice paid for my sins.  In those palms, in those scars my identity is found. For from those scars blood poured in place of my own so that the price I couldn't pay for my sins would be paid in full. In those scars, I've received life and healing. In those scars, I find proof that I am beloved. And that is my identity. That is my story boiled down to one word. Purely and simply beloved. And it is a far better story than I could have ever written.

My Name Is...

 Isaiah 62:2-5 & 11-12

…you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
 or name your land Desolate.

…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.

The Lord has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
“Say to Daughter Zion,
‘See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.’”
They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the Lord;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.

 For too much of my life, I was rendered voiceless under the pressing weight of the identities given to me by others and the titles with which I identified myself. I was caught in the chaos of a lifelong identity crisis, torn by all the things I was told I should be, the things I wanted to be and the things I wasn’t. I was empty and longing for a fullness of purpose I thought an identity could provide.

I wanted my name to be Good. Smart. Composed. Talented.

I wanted my name to be Beautiful. Beloved. Treasured. Valued.

And most of all I wanted my name to be Enough. I wanted to meet the standards set for me by myself and by others. I wanted to feel like my works were sufficient and pleasing to those who mattered to me.

Instead of Enough, my name became Empty and Insufficient.

Instead of Beautiful, my name became Rejected and Unwanted.

And instead of Composed, my name became The Mess.

I felt helpless under the weight of all the identities I carried around daily. I would constantly look for new ways to discover myself and create myself, to become the perfect version of me I’d always dreamed I would be. My pursuit for freedom in perfection became the thing that enslaved me. I was caught in a vicious cycle of seeking fulfillment and stability in an empty and unstable world.

As my heart began breaking under the pressure of my pursuits, God looked down on me, and His heart broke with mine. When I cried out in the midst of my desperation, He reached down through the darkness and restored my life. He erased every shame bearing name chained to my heart and breathed His life into me. And with this new life, He also gave me a new name.

No longer am I called Deserted or Desolate.

My name is Daughter of the King.

My named is Redeemed of the Lord.

And my name is Sought After by God.

I am precious in His sight. In His eyes, I am a crown of splendor in His hand. He treasures my heart and He desires all of me. He loves me with a divine and reckless love; as a bridegroom delights over his bride, so the Lord rejoices over me. The same mouth that breathed the stars into being also sings songs of praise over me. The same hands that laid the foundations of creation and wove time itself into being are the same hands that hold my heart. And His Holy Spirit whispers to my heart daily that I am beloved by my Creator, and that is solely where my identity lies.

Each of us is named His Beloved, no matter the names we’ve held in the past. And He longs for us to rest in the infinite peace of His presence in which our true identity is found. He hears our every desperate cry and His heart breaks along with ours. And He desires to restore our breaking hearts to new life and write on them a new name: Redeemed.