The Fixer

Psalms 145:13-14

The Lord is faithful to all his promises, and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all those who are bowed down.

I am a very, very self critical person. Probably one of the most self critical people you will ever meet honestly. I have a horrible habit of beating myself up whenever I mess up, even in small ways. I constantly think of ways I can fix what I did or how I can improve my actions in the future so the mistake I made won't happen again. I am innately a fixer at heart. While my desire to fix broken things in me and around me can be a good motivator to do better sometimes, it ultimately exhausts me at the end of most days and leaves me more stressed than satisfied.

I had one of these self-critical moments when I was running the other day (which is a rarity with my schedule and energy level). I hadn't run in months, so I had to stop and take a break in the middle of a two mile run. As I sat on a bench to catch my breath, I beat myself up over how I'm so weak, how I used to be so much faster, how two miles shouldn't kill me like this, how I should keep going instead of stopping.

And then God gently whispered to my heart in that moment in only the way He does. Not in an audible voice, but rather a stirring in my heart that breathed wisdom into my soul.

"Daughter- when you were a child and you were learning to walk, did your Father scold you and punish you when you fell and scraped your knee? No- rather he lovingly picked you up and helped you start walking again. It's the same way with me- you're still learning to walk through life, and you always will be learning. I will lift you every time you fall. Have grace for yourself the way I have grace for you."

And then a peace came over me. It's so hard for me to have grace for myself when I fall. I want blame myself so I can fix it. I muddle through the guilt that builds up everyday until it becomes to much. But in the stillness of the moments when my heart rests in His presence, I am reminded that I am not a fixer, nor was I designed to be. That job belongs to God alone, and I'm learning to lay at His feet every little thing I can't fix. And I'm reminded that guilt is not from God, that shame comes from the enemy. In God there is no guilt, only grace, only love.

Have grace for yourself today, and let God be the fixer. Let the truth of His fatherly grace settle in your soul and bring you peace.

Madelynn