Red Dirt

Within the seams of one of my most well worn TOMS, there lays a streak of red dirt from my trip to Kenya three years ago. In a weird way, the sight comforts me. It’s just dirt, really. But it’s a small part of a place where I left a big piece of my heart. One week from this Wednesday, I’ll be venturing back to that same soil to reclaim my heart and give it up all over again. It’s a beautiful mess of a process where I lose myself and find myself all at the same time in a way I never imagined was possible. But that’s one of the sweetest parts of any adventure with God- losing yourself a little at a time, until a pivotal moment of grace hits you. In this sweet collision, you find yourself completely washed away as Christ wells up within you to show your true identity, true life. And the adventure doesn’t stop there. It’s only the beginning of His waves of grace crashing on our shores in new ways every day. 

As excited as I am for a fresh collision with Jesus on this trip, fears well up within me at the sight of the red dirt as well. Kenya has been assailed recently with terrorist attacks, and while it’s on the other of the country from where we’ll be serving, dark thoughts of “what if” still plague me. A war wages in my mind and heart as my imagination explores all the potential dangers. And the brave force I’ve tried so hard to edify within me breaks down as I become victim to my own thoughts. 

In the midst of this tangled mess of worry and excitement, I wonder what Jesus thought through all of His adventures. I wonder what variations of soil from different countries laced His sandals, and how worn they were from his journeys. And I wonder what He prayed before He stepped into the adversity He knew lay before Him. 

I read once in Romans 10 that beautiful are the feet of those who carry the Gospel of peace, who are sent out to speak truth. While I feel sent, I don’t feel very beautiful. I don’t feel very worthy. I feel very small, and a little scared. And it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around Jesus, whose sandals I’m not even worthy to unite, calling me out to arise from the dust and journey with Him in this adventure of grace. In the midst of all of my fear, insecurity and doubt, He whispers to me that He is, and always has been, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. That He will not lead me where He will not go. And that I said yes to this adventure with Him. I said yes. And in that yes was born the sweetness of new life. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” I think there is so much truth in that call to action. Jesus is wonderful at taking us by the hand and leading us on unique journeys to places we never imagined possible. He leads us to the uncharted territories of life and calls us to leave a legacy worthy of His gospel. And He’s placed this incurable itch in my spirit to have a soul just as worn as the soles of His shoes- laced with dirt from the harvest and sweetly torn from taking the uncharted path. 

I may feel small and unworthy. I may be a little scared. But the One who is exceedingly worthy of all praise and breaks through all human boundaries lives within me and goes before me. So I’ll stand with the one who has overcome all fear and darkness and trust Him when He whispers this adventure is worth it. And I’ll revel in the sweetness of new life that is born from saying yes to Him.